Originally published at The OCBENJI Blog (beta). Please leave any comments there.

Love those Church Ladies..

They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church  ladies with typewriters… These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS)  actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church  services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

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The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’

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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

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Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

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Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.  Music will follow.

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice

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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.  Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.’

Originally published at The OCBENJI Blog (beta). Please leave any comments there.

The Scorpion and the Fish

Once upon a time, there was a Scorpion and a Fish. They lived on land and in the ocean respectively. Not content with where they were, together they go on an adventure to get where they want to be…

One sunny day both were on the beach, the Scorpion on the sand dreaming of a life in the water and the Fish wondering what it would be like to be out of the water and on land. Both caught up in their respective daydreams, they slowly drifted closer and closer to one another. When the tide was at its highest, the Scorpion and the Fish were closest to each other. Unaware of the others presence, they continued their similarly opposite fantasies. Watching from a nearby rock was the Crab. The Crab was good friends with both the Scorpion and the Fish. The very wise and clever Crab’s crustacean lips slowly curved into a smile as its eight little legs scurried it toward its two friends.

The Fish, enjoying her time so close to land, ran her fins across the still warm, wet sand and sighed to herself. She wished with every scale on her body to be able to tread on the land that so many weird creatures called home. She wondered what it would be like to have legs and to be able to “sit” as she had witnessed her friend the Frog do after he grew his legs. She wondered if she would ever grow legs. But she already knew the answer. If her mother and father didn’t have legs, why would she? Her land induced depression clouded her thoughts as she ran another fin arcoss the sand. She wanted to blame the water for how she felt. She always felt imprisoned by water. A prison that not only moved her where it wanted her to go but was also what she relied on and needed to live. Her conflict between what she needed to survive and what she wanted to live tugged at her soul.

At the same time, not more than three feet away was the Scorpion, looking out towards the ocean. His thoughts mirrored that of the Fish’s but with an envy of a life in the sea. Scampering along the edge of his watery dreamworld, his thoughts drifted. He dreamed of how great it would be to swim around in the ocean. Being able to almost fly as he had seen his friend the Snake do countless times. The Scorpion was bored of land. He was sick of being stuck on the ground and wanted to move freely around. Up and down, to the left, to the right and in a circle. The Scorpion dreamed of all of the ways he would float around the the water before he caught himself drawing the shapes with his tail. The Scorpion envied the sharks and the swordfish. They never had to look for cover when it rained. They never had to shield themselves from the hot sun. And they never got blown away in the wind. They just spent their time carelessly flying around underwater without a care in the world. The Scorpion wanted that, he wanted to roam free in that wonderfully blue oceanic sky. But as he ran the facts through his head, he knew it to be impossible. As much as he loved the water, he loved breathing more and just stood there contemplating a life in a world he could never belong to.

The sun was setting beautifully on the beach’s sun glazed coastline as the Crab put its plan into action. The Crab scurried up to the Fish and said, “Hello my dear! Beautiful day isn’t it?” The Fish, startled at the Crab’s sudden appearance replied, “Oh, hi Crab. The day looks great but could have felt better….” the Fish trailed off still slightly saddened about her little mermaid dreams that would never come true. “Still wishing you could walk on land like me?” the Crab mercilessly sings as its eight legs dance a solo waltz around the beach. The Fish blows bubbles in an annoyed protest of the Crab’s mockery of her feelings. The Crab ended its dance with a question. “Come dance with me?” The Fish tilted her head quizzically, motioned one of her fins at her Caudal or tail fin, all without breaking her grim stare at the Crab. “Your lucky!” blurted out the Fish. “Your an alien on both planets and you don’t even need a ship.” The Crab scampered closer to the fish with a serious look on its face, pokes its eyes into the water and mutters, “I’m a jack of all trades but a master of none.” The Crab was known for that: answering a message, comforting a friend, calming a situation, comparing situations, or conveying a complex idea with one line. “You see,” the Crab continued as it pulled its face out of the water, “you swim beautifully in the water and move around so freely while I, am at the mercy of whatever current happens to grab me. And yes I can go onto land easily and walk around, but these eight legs make walking cumbersome as it does with swimming. So you see, while I am able to traverse into and out of water and land, I do neither very well. The stubborn Fish didn’t care and would give her right fin for the ability to “walk”, albeit clumsily, on land. This feeling was conveyed to the Crab through the Fish’s eyes. The Crab smiled and said, “How would you like to go out on land?” The Fish’s almost burned out eyes suddenly overloaded with excitement and intrigue. “Do tell…” the Fish responded as her heart made its way back down to earth. “Meet me here where the water ends and the land begins tomorrow right before the sun rises from the water.” The Fish quickly and sarcastically asked, “You mean here? Right before sunrise?” “Yea” the Crab answered with a tinge of disappointment in its voice. “Why does everything always have to be a big deal with you. You always act like your telling some super important story that……” the Fish whined as the ocean drowned her out and she swam away. The Crab could see the spark of excitement in the Fish’s eyes as her mouth complained. She can’t hide that, never could. “One down, one to go…” the Crab thought as it scuttled toward land.

Originally published at The OCBENJI Blog (beta). Please leave any comments there.

Rays flicker through the smoke from the lightening as it crackles outside.  Again and again light illuminates the smoke-filled room as their eyes continue to lock in an unexpected stalemate.  Her with both hands on her gun pointed firmly at his forehead.  And him, with one hand on a shard of glass and the other firmly gripping a grenade with his index finger ready to yank the pin.  He knows that the grenade will make her second guess popping him in the head.  Even if she could get a clean shot, it would only take a fraction of a second for him to take her with him.  Should she lose focus for a even a second, the glass will make her pay for it.  His classic “sword and shield” strategy has never failed him.  She tries to hide her surprise with an even colder stare and a tighter grip aimed at his temple.  She contemplates taking a chance against his reaction time and giving him one to the head.  Either that or shoot his hand off and run for it.  She decides to stick with her plan and keep him talking until she can figure something out and pray that he makes a mistake.   With the smoke still heavy around them, every flash of light highlighting the intensity in their eyes.  Eagerly waiting for the other to be distracted only for a second, just long enough to make their move.  They circle each other, only a meter apart, him trying to get closer and her the opposite.  Both being careful not to move too fast and trigger a reaction.  “Where is our son?” he asks coldly.  “Safe for the time being” she responds, knowing that her knowledge is the only thing keeping him from rushing in and forcing her hand, “they are using him as leverage against me and if you take me out, they’ll have no more use for him.”  His forehead wrinkles in the middle, “Let’s say that I believe you, why tell me now, other than to save your own life?” Without hesitation, “To save his.”  His face shows nothing but complete focus on her, “You think we’re gonna work together to save him?”  “If you love him as much as I do, you’ll do whatever it takes.”  His teeth grit as he realizes that what she says is the truth.  He couldn’t take a chance on calling her bluff and single-handedly dooming their son.  He eased his grip on the glass and slowly backed away, still ready to flick it into her throat should he second-guess himself or her words.  Her trigger finger eased only slightly knowing what he would do if he felt anything was out of place.  “Whats the plan?” he asks as he sulks backwards toward a safe spot.  “I was supposed to deliver you on a silver platter” she smirked, “and we can both see how well that’s going.” He lets a slight smile sneak out but doesn’t let it show in his voice, “true,  but the only people who know what happened here are you and me.”  She keeps her gun aimed squarely at where she guesses he is, “You’ve got a plan and I want to hear it.”  He throws a rock against a barrel around his old position to watch her squirm.  She instinctively aims in the rock’s direction fires.  Before the empty casing even hit the ground she realized her mistake and prepared for his wrath.  Before she could even frown, he was behind her.  With a quick twist of her wrist, he had her disarmed.  She felt a wet cloth hit her hand and then that hand slap over her nose and mouth.  She tries to hold her breath but he gave her a quick blow to the abdomen, causing her to suck in a deep euthanizing breath.  A devilish smile creeps across his face as he whispers in her ear, “We’ll talk when you wake up.”  Her vision gets blurry as she loses consciousness, “If you wake up…….”

Originally published at The OCBENJI Blog (beta). Please leave any comments there.

Originally published at The OCBENJI Blog (beta). Please leave any comments there.

Originally published at The OCBENJI Blog (beta). Please leave any comments there.

Originally published at The OCBENJI Blog (beta). Please leave any comments there.

Originally published at The OCBENJI Blog (beta). Please leave any comments there.

Originally published at The OCBENJI Blog (beta). Please leave any comments there.

1.
At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4.. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over TheirCaffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ‘ For Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7.. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. (I actually used this one yesterday)
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is ‘To go’.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream ‘ I Won! I Won!’
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the parking lot, yelling ‘Run For Your Lives! They’re Loose!’
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, ‘Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.’ </p>

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WhERE THE FI TTING ROOM IS.

Originally published at The OCBENJI Blog (beta). Please leave any comments there.